Tuesday, March 3, 2009
SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NOT READ THE COMIC. Or who wants to see the movie unsullied. Aww, who am I kidding, no one reads this anyway.
I am excited for Watchmen, I really am. I just have an overwhelming feeling that this is just like the excitement that I felt in 1999 when a certain little prequel was coming out. Oh, was that a heady time. It was so much fun anticipating and dreaming of how cool it was going to be. My roommates and I went on opening night full of early 20's excitement and walked out almost angry. "How could that loser rape our precious childhood like that?" was the overwhelming feeling. Jar Jar was even worse than the reviews were describing him, and the kid, oh the kid. It was just a really, really bad movie.
Why do I feel the same disturbance in the force about Watchmen? Well, look at the picture above. Look at the actor playing Ozymandias. Sure, he looks like he may be the world's smartest Macaulay Culkin. But does he look like a world class athlete who can easily overpower and kill a professional bad ass like The Comedian(who does look pretty awesome above, but no Gimp mask, ever?)? Or fend off Rorschach in such an aloof, nonchalant, hilarious style near the end? I don't think so! Who I do like: The actors who play The Comedian, Rorschach, both Silk Spectres, and Night Owl II. Fun Fact: Both of the actor's who portrayed NO2 and Rorschach were in the movie Little Children, which is a really good movie. Also, I give props to Snyder that NO2 is still a bit fat.
Continuing on, why does Nite Owl II look like Batman from the George Clooney era? Why does Ozy have nipples on his costume like the same? The costumes are not supposed to be the slick, streamlined outfits that these are. In the comic they look homemade, a little crappy, not form fitted to the body. These look pure Joel Schumacher. Meaning kind of, um, flamboyant? I do, shocking I know, enjoy better the look of both Silk Spectre I and II as represented in the pictures I have seen so far.
Which brings me to this point: Zack Snyder. OK, I liked Dawn of the Dead, at least the beginning. It was a pretty good zombie movie. But let's talk 300, the movie that got him to this point. That barely veiled allegory which all the eliminationist right wingers have orgasms over. For good reason. It was all of their killing brown people in the name of, something, fantasy that they could ever wish for. But it seemed that was the whole point, other than showing off chiseled dude bodies in various modes of undress. I am going to steal a quote from Sarah Silverman, "That movie 300? Turns out, how they got that title was they measured how gay it was on a scale of one to ten." Which is what made the love by the righties so funny. But Arabs (really not-Arabs, I know) were killed in a variety of gruesome ways, and that is always awesome for them. So, there is that.
Finally, I can deal with no squid, I really can.
Oh God, I tried, I really did. I cannot lie, the whole narrative is fucked without it and there is no reason for so many things in the story now.
1. I still don't know how they can tie up why Ozy needs to kill Edward Blake, which sets up the whole "Mask Killer" thing.
2. There would be no island where The Comedian witnesses the "project" being constructed, which piques his interest and where he uncovers the insane plot.
3. Dr. Manhattan is an American asset, strictly American. He has shown allegiance only to the U.S. and its' interests. He may look at humans as inconsequential ants and such but he is still the face of America. I could see him bugging out and heading to Mars if he thought he gave people cancer but no, not destroying cities(?) all over the world.
4. Since Dr. Manhattan is a strictly American asset, why would the USSR, who are on the brink of war with America, ever believe that the blue guy went rogue? Just because his fuck buddy left him and he gave Moloch, that other guy, and Janey cancer? It makes no sense.
Last finally, I really mean it this time. I really hate slow motion filming. Once or twice is fine, but where it makes the entire movie 25 minutes longer because of it? No. I am afraid that this movie will be bad, but I will say the hype and the marketing has been pretty damn good. I guess that is half the fun when one needs a distraction from stress of life and longs for NOSTALGIA of younger days.
Posted by Jack Burton at 10:25 PM