Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Oh Boy.

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NOT READ THE COMIC. Or who wants to see the movie unsullied. Aww, who am I kidding, no one reads this anyway.

I am excited for Watchmen, I really am. I just have an overwhelming feeling that this is just like the excitement that I felt in 1999 when a certain little prequel was coming out. Oh, was that a heady time. It was so much fun anticipating and dreaming of how cool it was going to be. My roommates and I went on opening night full of early 20's excitement and walked out almost angry. "How could that loser rape our precious childhood like that?" was the overwhelming feeling. Jar Jar was even worse than the reviews were describing him, and the kid, oh the kid. It was just a really, really bad movie.

Why do I feel the same disturbance in the force about Watchmen? Well, look at the picture above. Look at the actor playing Ozymandias. Sure, he looks like he may be the world's smartest Macaulay Culkin. But does he look like a world class athlete who can easily overpower and kill a professional bad ass like The Comedian(who does look pretty awesome above, but no Gimp mask, ever?)? Or fend off Rorschach in such an aloof, nonchalant, hilarious style near the end? I don't think so! Who I do like: The actors who play The Comedian, Rorschach, both Silk Spectres, and Night Owl II. Fun Fact: Both of the actor's who portrayed NO2 and Rorschach were in the movie Little Children, which is a really good movie. Also, I give props to Snyder that NO2 is still a bit fat.

Continuing on, why does Nite Owl II look like Batman from the George Clooney era? Why does Ozy have nipples on his costume like the same? The costumes are not supposed to be the slick, streamlined outfits that these are. In the comic they look homemade, a little crappy, not form fitted to the body. These look pure Joel Schumacher. Meaning kind of, um, flamboyant? I do, shocking I know, enjoy better the look of both Silk Spectre I and II as represented in the pictures I have seen so far.

Which brings me to this point: Zack Snyder. OK, I liked Dawn of the Dead, at least the beginning. It was a pretty good zombie movie. But let's talk 300, the movie that got him to this point. That barely veiled allegory which all the eliminationist right wingers have orgasms over. For good reason. It was all of their killing brown people in the name of, something, fantasy that they could ever wish for. But it seemed that was the whole point, other than showing off chiseled dude bodies in various modes of undress. I am going to steal a quote from Sarah Silverman, "That movie 300? Turns out, how they got that title was they measured how gay it was on a scale of one to ten." Which is what made the love by the righties so funny. But Arabs (really not-Arabs, I know) were killed in a variety of gruesome ways, and that is always awesome for them. So, there is that.

Finally, I can deal with no squid, I really can.

Oh God, I tried, I really did. I cannot lie, the whole narrative is fucked without it and there is no reason for so many things in the story now.
1. I still don't know how they can tie up why Ozy needs to kill Edward Blake, which sets up the whole "Mask Killer" thing.
2. There would be no island where The Comedian witnesses the "project" being constructed, which piques his interest and where he uncovers the insane plot.
3. Dr. Manhattan is an American asset, strictly American. He has shown allegiance only to the U.S. and its' interests. He may look at humans as inconsequential ants and such but he is still the face of America. I could see him bugging out and heading to Mars if he thought he gave people cancer but no, not destroying cities(?) all over the world.
4. Since Dr. Manhattan is a strictly American asset, why would the USSR, who are on the brink of war with America, ever believe that the blue guy went rogue? Just because his fuck buddy left him and he gave Moloch, that other guy, and Janey cancer? It makes no sense.

Last finally, I really mean it this time. I really hate slow motion filming. Once or twice is fine, but where it makes the entire movie 25 minutes longer because of it? No. I am afraid that this movie will be bad, but I will say the hype and the marketing has been pretty damn good. I guess that is half the fun when one needs a distraction from stress of life and longs for NOSTALGIA of younger days.


Bob Seva said...

Saw this last night with Fat Guy and Mark. I thought it was pretty good but it did drag in parts and was a little too long overall. I certainly didn't mind seeing Malin Akerman's naked body but they could have cut at least one of the "love" scenes.

The fight scenes were awesome but I'm still unclear on why Ozymandias had to kill The Comedian (in the comic he was on to his plot, right?) and why Dr. Manhattan had to kill Rorschach. If the world thought that Dr. Manhattan had nuked a bunch of cities, I doubt they would give much credence to his fugitive, vigilante teammate.

I wasn't disappointed with the ending because I hadn't read the comic but I think it would have been even more confusing to have a giant squid attack New York City.

Overall, Rorschach was awesome, The Comedian was pretty cool (despite being a psychopath), Nite Owl II was a cool dude, Silk Spectre II was hot, Dr. Manhattan was boring as all hell and it was clear from his first scene that Ozymandias was the bad guy (although I guess society is the REAL bad guy).

Jack Burton said...

Well played. I like your point of view especially not having read the comic before. I am glad to get that perspective. I have yet to see the movie but like all dork fanboys, I felt I must give my 2 cents.

You have confirmed my thoughts on why kill the Comedian? No island, no squid, no need to kill Blake. Good call on that. You also bring up an excellent point that Rorschach did not need to die either. I wasn't 100% sure but you confirmed that for me. But maybe Giant Blue Wang didn't want people to know that Ozy was behind it? But who cares what he thinks since he is obviously so hated, so you are right as well regarding credibility and Rorschach.

On the squid ending this is how I feel: Never compromise. Even in face of armageddon. Never compromise. I will say this about the squid and I know reading other nerds that they are willing to accept it but I will not: The squid is supposed to be accidentally breaching our dimension and on its breach, it dies and sends out all of these horrible images. It is not an attack. It is supposed to be accidental. It is to give people pause as to what would happen if the rest of them happened to come and to prepare them for it. Which is to make people realize that they had better worry about something a little bigger. But Paul Blart Mall Cop was #1 for a few weeks so the general public may be too fucking dumb to comprehend that, hence the new ending.

Ackerman is hot I hear but brings it down with horrible emoting, no? She is really just a superheroine here, not the flawed, looking for Daddy type that was in the comic. There is a whole thesis that I cannot get into regarding her in the comic, but in the movie at least she has nice tits. That is unfortunate as I really thought her character was well written. (My theory on Snyder is getting stronger as I find out he may hate women. Or is willing to reduce them to 2 dimensions.)

I really am going to hate Ozymandias, aren't I? He just seems so frail and that is not what he really is like. That is the thing, you are not supposed to know he is the villain and that is shite. Even in the end of the comic is he really a baddie? He has an evil Nazi accent in the movie so of course you would know that right off. I am repeating myself here about the comic, but Ozy, in one of my favorite sequences, is able to embarass Rorschach with little to no effort whatsoever. Not that little dork in the movie, I could take him. He also seems more likable and approachable in the comic, right? He is not some asshole "comic book villain", he is supposed to be a nice guy who wants to save the world, not rule it. Albeit in a very fucked way. Fuckers!

I obviously don't need to tell you, and I am sure you have a full plate, but read the motherfucking comic. And thanks for your first man report. I may wait for the DVD and the full "Tales of the Black Freighter." experience.

Bob Seva said...

I love that Alec Baldwin has brought back the phrase "well played" on 30 Rock...

Given what I've read on Watchmen fan (nerd) sites, you'll probably hate the film. If they had cut one love scene and most of giant blue wang's lines, the movie would have been much better.

There was an island in the film and I probably just missed the connection with The Comedian since I was drunk and high (at least at the beginning of the movie).

Akerman wasn't that bad - I mean what do you expect given that most of her scenes were with Dr. Blue Wang? She and NOII had some good scenes together. I thought they had decent chemistry. God, I sound like Joel Segal. And they did explore the whole "daddy" complex.

The actor that played Ozy wasn't terrible just kind of one dimensional and he was able to pull off the fight scenes. SPOILER ALERT: They include the embarrassment of Rorschach. Speaking of good ol' Ror, he was by far my favorite character in the movie so I guess I was even more pissed off when big blue dick killed him. Can't you come up with another way of killing people other than just blowing them up?

Finally, I'll take your word for it on the ending, it certainly makes more sense.

Jack Burton said...

I guess I really need to see the movie. I am just girding myself for disappointment so I am slagging the project beforehand. It seems to at the very least engage people in the sense that they are talking about it. So that is good. Maybe the author was correct, it is unfilmable, which means no matter what people are bound to be vexed about the end result. Good on you guys for seeing it on opening night. I am glad you still do that.