Sunday, October 26, 2008

I am a few days late.*


*In honor of National All caps day.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Northeast Wisconsin is just like Madison.

This is really not supposed to be the Racist! Alert! Blog! But really? Marc Monfort, 18, hung three plywood mannequins outfitted as scarecrows from a tree outside the home where he lives with his mother. The figures have black faces and are hanging from the branches by their necks with rope. A Confederate flag flies in the yard. This occurred in Oconto Falls, which is just across the bay of Green Bay. The city attorney wanted to file disorderly conduct charges. Our hero took them down and put white faces on them. Also removed the flag. The comments in this article are just priceless: "Southern Pride!" and the usual strawman arguments. Again, I know what Southern Pride means, and it is what it is. I should not be but am pleasantly surprised at the reaction in the local media here. I feel conflicted, freedom of speech, but it is offensive, to me.

Friday, October 24, 2008


Are all right wing homosexual haters secretly gay, or just all of them? Add one more to to the list. My questions: Why not only hate yourself and not also try to make sure other gays lives aren't ruined? Is it a power issue? The best part? He was pretty popular in Austria.

B is for Bullshit.

The young woman pictured is a campaign worker for John McCain from Texas by the name of Ashley Todd. Who is now working in the battleground state of Pennsylvania for a phone bank. She alleges that as she was withdrawing money from an ATM she was robbed by a "6'4" Black man (of course). In a quite busy neighborhood surrounded by businesses (it allegedly occurred at 9 p.m.) Who, when he found out she had a McCain sticker on her vehicle, became enraged and started beating her, at the end "etching" a "B" on the side of her face. This must be a man who is very skilled at knife work. He not only barely broke her skin, he also put the B on backwards. Which would lead one to almost think, crazy I know, that there may be some holes here. I have had a few black eyes before, and usually they are accompanied by swelling of some sort. I don't see a lot there. The police were called 40 minutes after the attack. I am no CSI, but methinks that young Ms. Todd is making shit up out of whole cloth. Both McCain and Sarah Palin have called to offer sympathies and kind words. We all know that young people never,ever make things up in terms of fanciful abduction, assault, and robbery stories. Who knows, this may be true and I definitely would be ashamed beyond belief if I am whistling dixie. But something smells here, and this young lady is no Joan de Arc. If this was something that truly happened, you know it would be an "H" scrawled on her face, for Hussein. I am all for the poor, poor conservative college student who just can't handle all the liberal sewage sprayed at them constantly by those ivory tower professors and food handlers. They are just so, persecuted. Freedom Rides were nothing compared to just having to walk to class.
UPDATE 4:00 p.m.: I was right. Race Baiting....I won't say what I want to say. But looking at the right wing blogs it was lynching time.

Hell of being what?

I am watching TV and right now comes on this Ford commercial, showing all of these bright, big pickups, and snow, and driving. They look awesome. They usually have these attractive incentives to buy a new vehicle, like: Free gas for a year!! 0% financing! Free tow on the inevitable breakdown! Now their big promotion is, 100 shares of Ford stock! Yep. How is that even an incentive? Here is what Ford stock is going for today: $2.22. So, if I spend $18,270 - $39,720 on a F-150, I will receive 222.00 (as of today) worth of stock. Yes! I think I would rather have one year of gas. Oh yeah, in 1962, Ford stock was selling for $117.50. Are there rubes out there that believe that this is a good deal? I don't really see it rising all that much in the near future, but maybe this is for really, really long term investments. Like for their Grandkid's Grandkids. (No, I have nothing against Ford, they own Land Rover, after all. I do like Calvin pissing on things.)

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Now I learn to cut and paste.

Sadly No! speaks about the Al-Qaeda endorsement today and I will save a click:
All right — where is the Al-Qaeda endorsement? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and the people vote, and we find out who is right and who is dead.

But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of Al-Qaeda. Are they the sort of terrorists who would give a poison endorsement to their own preferred candidate, or their enemy’s?

[He studies THE MAN, BARACK now.]

Now, a clever terrorist would give the endorsement to his own candidate, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I’m not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the endorsement in front of you. But al-Qaeda must have known I was not a great fool; they would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the endorsement in front of me.

THE MAN, BARACK [with a trace of nervousness]
You’ve made your decision then?

Not remotely. Because endorsements come from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the endorsement in front of you.

Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Wait till I get going! Where was I?


Yes — Australia, and you must have suspected I would have known the endorsement’s origin, so I can clearly not choose the endorsement in front of me.

THE MAN, BARACK [very nervous]
You’re just stalling now.

MCCAINZINI [cackling]
You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you?

[stares at THE MAN, BARACK]

You’ve beaten my Plumber, which means you’re exceptionally un-retarded. So, al-Qaeda could have given the poison endorsement to your candidacy, trusting on your lack of retardation to save you. So I can clearly not choose the endorsement in front of you. But you’ve also bested my Alaskan, which means you must have studied past the third grade. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal, so al-Qaeda would have put the poison endorsement as far from your candidacy as possible, so I can clearly not choose the endorsement in front of me.

[As MCCAINZINI's pleasure has been growing throughout, THE MAN, BARACK's has been fast disappearing.]

You’re trying to trick me into giving away something — it won’t work –

MCCAINZINI [triumphant]
It has worked — you’ve given everything away — I know where the endorsement is!

THE MAN, BARACK [with fool's courage]
Then make your choice.

I will. And I choose –

[And suddenly he stops, points at something behind THE MAN, BARACK.]

What in the world can that be?


[THE MAN, BARACK, turning around, looking.]

What? Where? I don’t see anything.


[MCCAINZINI, busily switching the endorsements while THE MAN, BARACK has his head turned.]

Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.

[THE MAN, BARACK turns to face him again. MCCAINZINI starts to laugh.]

What’s so funny?

I’ll tell you in a minute. First, let’s read — me from my endorsement, and you from yours.

[He picks up his endorsement. THE MAN, BARACK picks up the one in front of him. As they both start to read, MCCAINZINI hesitates a moment. Then, allowing THE MAN, BARACK to go first, he reads his endorsement.]

You guessed wrong.

MCCAINZINI [roaring with laughter]
You only think I guessed wrong –

[laughing louder now]

– that’s what’s so funny! I switched endorsements when your back was turned. You fool!


[THE MAN, BARACK has nothing he can say. He just sits there.]


[MCCAINZINI, watching him.]

You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is, ‘Never get involved in a land war in Iraq.’ But only slightly less well known is this: ‘Never go in against a Republican when power is on the line!’

[He laughs and roars and cackles and whoops and is in all ways quite cheery until his campaign falls over dead.]

[THE MAN, BARACK, steps past the corpse, taking the blindfold and bindings off AMERICUP, who notices MCCAINZINI lying dead. THE MAN, BARACK pulls her to her feet.]

Who are you?

I am no one to be trifled with, that is all you ever need know.

[He starts to lead her off the mountain path into untraveled terrain.]

AMERICUP [a final glance back toward MCCAINZINI]
To think — all that time it was your endorsement that was poisoned.

They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to Republican bullshit.


Better late than never.

I send out late congratulations to Paul Krugman, the winner of the 2008 Nobel prize in economics. Man Crush on him. I used to read him all the time in the Minneapolis Star and Crescent and now on the web. I always felt that he explained economics in a very relatable way, and who could ever forget his battle with Bill O'Reilly on CNBC. Bill O. "Why don't you just call Fidel", comes off like the tiny dicked bully he is, and I just want to give Krugman a hug. And he has been proven right, obviously.

You've got a tongue, Dave. Ask her yourself.

"I can see Russia from my house" is the new "I invented the internet". Both are statements that were never uttered by Sarah Palin and Al Gore, respectively. Both are declarations that will follow them around forever. There, that is the only pity I will ever feel for her. She deserves nothing else, with her cute little nose wrinkles as she voices the ugliest grievances and fears of the uninformed. This is why she is such a drag to McCain. Rather than speak of how great their candidate is, McCain's supporters must try to bring out every terrible thing about his opponent. But you see, no one is buying it this time. No one believes it anymore. You can't call someone "Unamerican" or make references to allegiance to terrorists. It worked in 2002, and in 2004, but no longer. People are all for such rhetorical flourishes when the economy is doing well, we are winning wars, and the future looks bright. Those things are no longer in play. People want to feel good again, and I cannot believe that Progressives may have their very own Reagan in Obama. He refuses to stoop to the level of his opponents, in spite of my own screams of,"These Fuckers are swift boating you!" So thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster that I am not his advisor. 12 days left. Oh, and go Steve Kagen.

Thank you, Minneapolis.

No one told me Puffy got arrested for crack possession. I am shocked. He seemed so, wholesome and homery. Wow.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

What's in the flask, Egg? Magic potion?

There is actually a political ad running in my area that asks, "Is it OK to give our tax dollars to illegal aliens for free health care?" h/t to Tbogg.

Could you stop rubbing your body up against mine? 'Cause I can't concentrate when you do that.

If more than three people read my meanderings, I would expect to get lambasted for this. These three readers should lambaste me for this. But, why is it that the crazy right winger women are usually pretty attractive? I just don't see a Hillary or Rachel Maddow getting anywhere in right wing circles. I may have just answered my own question here. Do the Righties need a pretty face to talk about their policies, otherwise people would just completely tune it out? Or is teh stupid easier to handle coming out of beauty queen's mouths? Basically, Bachmann called for a resuscitation of HUAC this past Friday and while this resulted in record donations to her opponent, she still will be re-elected. Elizabeth Hasselbach was a goddammed Survivor loser yet there she is, every day on the View, spewing every RNC talking point like the programmed Stepford Wife she is. Michelle Malkin, has written a book on how the internment of Japanese-Americans was just so, awesome, and how we need to think about doing that to Muslim-Americans. Palin, we all know about her. I am not going to talk about Ann Coulter as I believe she and Bill Maher have some sort of weird, over the top bet with each other for atrociousness. And she is not hot. I know that I could find twice as many hot liberal women, but the thing is, they are usually pretty intelligent. They have gotten to where they are by actually knowing the issues and not pandering to the lowest common denominator. But, I am just sexist.

Lo Pan? Which Lo Pan? The little old basket case on wheels or the ten foot tall roadblock?

Al Qaeda and the KKK now endorse John McCain. Um, can Lieberman now kindly shut the fuck up about Hamas? Deputy Dawg. I know what Lieberman is trying to do, but it seems not to be working very well. One thing I don't understand, HOWEVAH, is why there is such a perception that the older Jews won't back Obama. If I recall, historically Jews were at the forefront of the Civil Rights movement in the 50's and 60's. Andrew Goodman and Michael Schwerner were true heroes who gave their lives for that cause, which they did not have to be a part of. Fuck Farakhan, Jeremiah Wright, and Jesse Jackson, they are idiots. My question is, how did the perceived animosity between the two groups (Jews and Blacks) happen?

Why did I even hope?

Apparently, some people have seen a screening for the movie Watchmen, and have reported pretty good things about the movie. Except for the end. I am not going to give any spoilers away but, FUCKNOZZLES, they ruined it. The whole reason for the story. I should have known this would happen when they gave the movie to the director of that mix up of 24, Red Dawn, gay porn, and Abu Ghraib wankfest movie, 300.

What does that mean, huh? "China is here"? I don't even know what the hell that means!

Now that we are going to nationalize the banks, the American auto industry, and the airlines, maybe we could do a little bit about health care, too? After all, it would be nice to, you know, not be the last industrialized nation not to make it a habit to take care of its own.
P.S. Goddammit, the map is too small but the blue on it shows universal coverage, green are countries strongly considering, orange means countries we occupy that we give universal coverage to, and grey means you don't get shit if you are sick and uninsured. The chart shows selected countries per capita expenditures on health care, via

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

When I win the lottery........

Couldn't there be a way to have fully automatic weapons, only if they were made before 1945? With a special, magical ability not to kill humans, except in that fantasy where you totally defend your home against burglars and rapists?

I am doing all I can to spearhead a Republican landslide.

I know I am tempting fate but I. Just. Can't. Resist. And in defense of that prick, asshole, misogynist, cobag, monkey lover Billy Packer, Kansas did in fact win the game. But still, great for CBS to can him. I at least agree with Simmons that Gus Johnson should hyperventilate more often on air now. Also, I had no idea he was Black until last year. Should we do a Simmonsuesqe (sp?) "Announcers who sound White with ambiguous names that don't help in identifying race?" That's it, I'm gonna be in the Mailbag. I would add Emmitt Smith and Shannon Sharpe to that list, also. Although I am sure it has already been done.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Dwight Schrute must also read AICN.

I am a nerd, a nerdy nerd nerd. Not a geek, no that would be somewhat cool. I am a guy that if I like something I will obsess and obsess, except I never get to "Pan to bush." It does not mean I am smart, oh no, just that I like things that other socially retarded shut-ins like. One thing I like is the site Ain't it Cool News. I have enjoyed going there since like '99. It is basically a fan boy site. I am not a fanboy, I am a nerd. But it talks about cool things like new movies and comic books, and Sarah Connor, which they call SCC, which I never get when they talk about it with those initials. Anywhoo, I read a post about the Twilight book series. Which seems to me to be like Harry Potter with abstinence and horny teen Vampires? Well, the post is about if you can just get chicks into Twilight, you just may get them to like Evil Dead 2. Which in turn may get you laid, somehow. I couldn't quite follow the logic. So they have a comments section, called a Talkback. I love going there because it is a Geek, Nerd, Dork extravaganza, where it is like every stereotype of my kind you can find. The internecine battles are EPIC. So, I was reading the talkbacks and they were discussing the relative merits of the book series and how much it sucks, etc. when I saw the greatest comment ever by SONNYFERN, which was Titled: I hate the whole "beautiful" Vampire thing PERIOD. He/she wrote: "Vampires should be destroyed at all costs. The whole concept of "good" vampires just pisses me off. They aren't beautiful, lonely creatures who are just misunderstood, it suppose to SEEM that way to lure you in...but once you're a vampire, you're a demon..a monster...and I don't give a shit how sad you gotta be stopped. You know what Twilight needs? BLADE! That's right...or even better...Peter Vincent! It's just the fact that my favorite monsters get nuetered and lose what the hell they're suppose to be about. I don't mind different takes on the genre, Near Dark, Coppolas Dracula, but for me...this whole Twilight thing is just a cheesy (and it looks really cheap) lame kind of cliche attempt at something that's been done a billion times before...and you know what's worse than an emo goth vampire? Fucking TEENAGE emo goth vampires...stake them all, squirt them with holy water, throw them in a tub full of garlic and lets get on with our lives huh?" I love this dude/dudette.

You can go off and rule the Universe from beyond the grave... or check into a psycho ward, whichever comes first, huh?

Now, can we put to bed the stupid Myth of "Real Americans"? Or at least what it seems to imply? Because of all the prominent examples that have been shown so far, it seems to be complete bullshit. Joe the Plumber, a man(tax cheat) who even when he buys the business, probably won't clear 250 grand a year in profit. Which means his taxes, which he does not pay, are not going to be raised. Then, after all of this is explained to him, still will vote McCain. Sarah Palin, Hockey Mom, is not exactly curious about the world around her and seems to do and profit from the sorts of things that the Clintons were routinely accused of. I grew up and have worked my whole life with these types of people, and guess what? While most were awesome and really neat, some were scared, ignorant jackasses. I know how these people talk when I'm not around. I know how these people talk when I am around and they think I have a nice tan. Oops. And that is just the way they liked it. No interest whatsoever in the world around them and how it may affect them. They are dreaming of a time that never was. Take all the people who love Treason in Defense of Slavery. They just love that confederate flag and think nothing of the fact that the flag only reappeared in 1964 in defiance of the Civil Rights Act. These are "Real Americans"? They refer to a War of Northern Aggression in which their relatives tried to secede from the Union of the U.S. and then celebrate the idea that their kin stood up for that. Statues and memorials dot the South. Do they not see the incongruities of having such a stance, especially when they want to demonize anyone who they feel is not from the good ol' US? Well, whatever, I think that they are being shown for what they are. But the sad thing is that as the economy gets worse, so will their resentments and anger. And that just sucks, quite frankly, because this is the best country in the world and it just doesn't make sense. And it makes me kind of bummed.

I took something. I can see things other men cannot see. Why are you dressed like that?

So, Colin Powell has endorsed Obama, at the very last second. Yay, what a maverick. Usual suspects saying the usual things. I know, I know, automatically if a Black guy gets nominated for President every Black person in the world must stand behind him, right? Stupid welfare queens. Can't be about the policies of the last eight years, or having Batshit Base Attractor as your running mate. Nope, has to be that they both are Black. Interesting that Zell Miller wasn't vilified for crossing party lines to endorse the fellow White guy, Bush. Hopefully a sensible republican will stand up when this is all over and say to his fellows, (to phrase Hudson) "Hey, maybe you haven't been keeping up on current events, but we just got our asses kicked, pal!" That maybe the people they brought to the dance are not really who they want to dance with. But probably not.
Now back to Powell, I lost a bit of respect for him on February 5, 2003, at the UN. He seems to always have this halo of greatness about him, but when has he ever shown a spine except to stand up to the Clenis to oppose gays in the military? If I knew in a suburb of the Twin Cities that the run up to the war was bullshit how could he not? This reeks to me as a man who is trying to rehabilitate a failed image, and it must be working. My Grandma was just giddy about the endorsement and could not understand my underwhelmed reaction. And I suppose this will help with moderates and undecideds (those self-important assholes) who are still unsure. As usual, Digby has a much better post on why, while this is good and all, it maybe could have been a little sooner. Amongst other things.
UPDATE:I totally forgot, I really should applaud Powell for finally saying what has been an issue to me with all of this "Is he a Muslim?" bullshit. Really, why should it matter? That was brave and it needed to be said, by someone, anyone, everyone.

Ol' Jack always says . . . what the hell.

Alright, so there seems to be a little controversy regarding Brett Favre and the Packers. Like every other time. Do I think that Favre did what is alleged? Probably. Does it make the vindictive, angry side of me happy to see him stick it to the squad that completely fucked him over? Absolutely. My question: Why is everyone retiring to the fainting couch like there is some sort of shock that Favre is still pissed about this? Jebus, he wanted to play for the Vikings, specifically to stick it to the Packers. The biggest rival of the Packers at the moment. And I was excited to have him there, but the Packers made damn sure he was not going there. I wonder why he was not good enough to stay on the team that he made for 16 years, but too good to play for the Vikes? In Packer country here everyone of course is following the Company Line that this is the worst betrayal since Nina Myers was discovered by Teri Bauer trying to escape. That is another thing that bugs me about Packer fans. This unquestioning loyalty to the organization that would rival anybody from Moscow circa. 1932. The way they turned on Favre is just embarrassing. I truly believe the fanbase really doesn't care if the team wins or loses just as long as they can have tailgating, Cheeseheads, and their precious season tickets. If Kamerade Thompson says it, it must be true.(sorry for the mix up between Commie and Nazi allusions). And that just is......frustrating. Get Randy Moss? No way, he can't run anymore. Tony Gonzalez? Too old and not worth a third round pick. The Packers used to do that, take chances on free-agents and make trades for stars. And guess what? We went to Super Bowls, Baby.

Oh my god. What is that? Don't tell me!

Sorry for the absence, I just had to do a long haul the past week which involved a PS2, some fine Green(and a little gold), and copious amounts of Dairy Queen Pumpkin Pie blizzards. Oh man, those are tasty. I have a clear head and a lot on it, so I will go nuts this week.
OK, you all know good ol' Jack Burton is not very happy with his team playing professional football in Northeast Wisconsin right now. I have been firmly in the Favre camp always and I felt the team handled his dismissal very poorly. It just is really very strange to see Favre in a different uniform and I still can't wrap my head around it. Considering how bad the start was for the Packers and how well Favre had played (until yesterday, that is), my predictions of a 4-12 season seemed to be on the mark. I also figured my least favorite player-"OOH look, a new product, maybe we should get this not at all photogenic, awkward in a Michael Phelps sort of way choker to endorse it, fuck it, endorse everything!"- of all time coming to town would show just how far we have fallen.
I was wrong, and it never felt so good. Something like the enemy of my enemy is my friend sort of deal here. It was perfect. You had all the patented Manning hits: Screaming at teammates for not catching passes two yards in the dirt in front of them, check. Screaming at the refs after throwing interception for TD, check. Sitting on the bench away from all his teammates with that awesome thousand yard stare and pouting, double check. It was all here and it was FABULOUS! (Said in my best fey falsetto). I still am angry at management and I think our head coach may be channeling Mike Tice for boneheaded play calling, but any day that Manning gets his face on is a good day for me.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Maybe they're saying "Moose".

Although, it is Philly.
Dammit, it seems Tbogg and probably anyone else who has seen a Cowboys game in the 1990's has beat me to the punch, and much funnier as well.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Time for the "Talk"

Really? A couple days ago I received an email from the Obama campaign with that title as the header. And it totally depressed me. Basically, it is an entreaty to young supporters to talk to their older relatives about why they should put aside their fear of the "Schvartes" and see that the scary Black man is here to help them and not steal their purses. It includes a form email and basic talking points people should use when trying to get their older relatives to do something I thought I would never see in my lifetime, vote for a Black man in the Presidential race. It is kind of depressing because it seems that is what some people have to do. Everyone has seen the scary rhetoric of the past week at the McCain rallies. It is kind of naive of me to find this disturbing, especially since these people are saying these things in the Midwest, not the Dirty South. But I do. It seems Obama is comfortably in the lead but the theory of the Bradley Effect is in the back of my mind. So much so that I initially dismissed Obama precisely because I thought the country was not yet ready for this. I did not want to see how ugly it could get. I don't live in the most Progressive area so it wouldn't surprise me at all if a lot of people I know feel this way around here and would be happy to show it if/when McCain comes back. Thankfully, it seems most people are rejecting that sort of thing. But I have friends who have some not so enlightening stories of parents and relatives who have said and done some pretty horrible things vis-a-vis dating and casual racism. In my own family we are not immune to that sort of thing. Even Sarah Silverman has made a video on how the youngs need to go Florida to convince their Grandparents to vote for the Big O. Not to put too much into who I think Obama is, but maybe this is sort of like what JFK had to deal with regarding his Catholicism? Do I think the ignorance and stupidity is enough to overcome the lead that Obama has gained? No, but I also think with a savvier VP pick by McCain and the lack of a worldwide economic collapse (which was caused by giving loans to the Blacks and Mexicans, BTW), we might be looking at a much closer election than we may have in three weeks. And...... I just jinxed it.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Well sure it was a war. And anybody that showed up was gonna join Lem Lee in the Hell Of Being Cut To Pieces.

Hey you all know ol' Jack is no historian. But I've seen enough shit with my own two peeps to kind of get a feel for the lay of the land, if you know what I mean. I don't know if you have heard, but over in Afghanistan it is all basically going to shit, and it has been for the last couple of years. We all know why; took our eyes off the ball, should never have went to Iraq, relied too much on airstrikes, blah, blah, blah. I mean, what is ultimately the endgame there? We are never going to get Bin Laden, he is going to just die of old age or kidney failure sometime. Besides, he is probably on the border in Pakistan anyway. And that is definitely not a hornets nest we will ever conceive of sticking our peens into. Poppy seed production and harvest was at the highest level ever in 2007. This year, because of drought, farmers being persuaded (for now) to grow alternative crops, and most of those crops being pot, are reasons why the harvest might be marginally lower. The drug money fuel the insurgency, which isn't really an insurgency, because would you want Brazilian troops running all over the good ol' US? Some would be OK, probably. But I digress. What are we, and NATO, gonna do? What is the best case scenario? Total victory and a western style Democracy, the ultimate Bill Kristol neocon wet dream? Cause that sure ain't happening (that is only for Iraq, Iran, and ahem, other gulf states) The Taliban is coming, and they are not going to be stopped. A surge will not work, just like it didn't in Iraq. (more like a successful ethnic cleanse of the Sunni's is what happened.) So, what should we do?
Give it to 'em. Let them have it. No, not just withdraw with our tails between our legs and be all pussy about it, not like that. Talk to them, tell them that OBL is just some motherfucking rich asshole from Saudi Arabia who is just going to cause them more grief. Play up the fact that from '79 to '89 we were like, BFF's, remember how cool that was? We helped kick out Ivan from their country and all that shit. Reagan was so fucking awesome, no blowback thought there, right? John Rambo even came by to help out. Remind them of that. Cause you know what, we just are never going to win a war of attrition with these guys. Be all like, "We kicked your ass, you guys are starting to beat ours, can't we work this shit out?" Have Karzai retire to whatever luxury flat he was living at in London, with all that fine British 'tang, and stay there. 'Cause he can't leave the capitol city of Kabul right now, in fact, very few people in leadership can. NATO (ie; us) needs to find the strongest, biggest warlord there and just bribe the shit out of him to strong arm a few other warlords and secretly get to a table somewhere. Yeah, losing those Buddhist giant statues sucked, but you know what, who really gives a fuck? Shit happens, you don't see a lot of old-timey Indian artifacts erected around here anymore, right? Tell them that we will continue to fund them, AS long as it is not funding to blow up buildings in the states, which they did not do any ways. In regards to all the women that will go back to being chattel if we leave, what are they now? Six years later they still can't go to school, and if they do, their whole family dies. Along with the teacher, too. What did we expect, miniskirts and bikinis? OK, I did, but HELLO, only Burqas and bad fiction about kites. Vietnam obviously wasn't the next domino, it turned out all right with us leaving, and so will Afghanistan.
So really, just let it go. There is no more talk of a Northern Alliance, or of finding that leader of the Taliban, Omar Epps or whatever. Our best option, and this sucks because, like everyone else, I have a wall sized poster of The tearful Eagle over the Towers, is just to punt. Make deals and GTFO. I know, I know, we were all fucking dumbasses six years ago, we won't make deals with terrorists and all that Tom Clancy shit. Fuck pride. How do you want it? With some honor or finally when NATO says "Screw you guys, I'm goin' home."? And if someone else starts shit somewhere else, we will go there for six years and accomplish fuck all, too. But it is time to just let it be. Declare victory, try to set up the most moderate Talibani government, and leave.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Jack Burton's in for some serious trouble and you're in for some serious fun.

So, we just plopped 500 bucks down at this lodge in Green Bay for a deposit for THE WEDDING. Not the whole cost, Oh God no. This is just to get our foot in the door and make sure we can have the date we wanted. Hopefully, the dollar is still around in May, and if not we will have the damn wedding on the flat bed trailer pulled by the Porkchop Express. Hopefully, it won't be like The Road where that will be a little difficult to pull off. But it would be kind of cool if the coming apocalypse was more like World War Z. That's a doomsday I can get behind. Oh yeah, Gracie's on the left.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Real American Heroes

Does any one wonder why I worry about the time between now and November 4? This is what the Repubs are all about, always. Cowards who go to the the eliminationist well, but usually with more sophisticated code language and dogwhistles. But, they are panicked, and scared, and cannot comprehend how a lowly boy could possibly beat a White man. Cannot wrap their lizard brains around it at all. Expect it to get worse, a lot worse.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

What the?!?!!

So, this is what we are reduced to, huh? I keep hearing that I am not a real Packer fan, because I miss winning, I guess. No, AR is not Steve Young, and we are in trouble. I thought we got rid of Favre because of his bad decision making at the end of games.

Like I told my last wife, I said, "Honey, I never drive faster than I can see. Besides it's all in the reflexes."

My friend is running a marathon today. Let's all give an ol' Jack Burton tip of the hat to 'im. Yes, that is his picture whilst in training when I was visiting a couple weeks ago. What an inspiration. We are proud of you, my man.

Son of a bitch must pay!

I keep seeing advertisements for Iron Man on DVD. I have no interest in seeing the new Iron Man movie at all in the theater or even on VHS. You see, indirectly the hero in metal contributed to the death of Cap America. In the story arc for the Civil War,an incident occurs during a battle between some super villains and a group of young superheroes. While trying to take the villains down where the heroes are being taped for a reality show, a villain blows up, as is his power. The explosion kills over 600 civilians, and as it is near an elementary school, many of them are children. The government and the other heroes are understandably shocked and dismayed. So of course the government overreacts, and led by Iron Man, decide to enact a law where all superheroes are to be registered. Or else cease to be heroes and locked in a huge prison. Long story short, Captain America leads a counter group who feels that heroes civil liberties are being infringed upon and abstains from joining the pro-registration group. Iron Man is tasked with tracking them down and giving them the ultimatum; register or else. Many battles occur and allegiances start to change and many heroes start to go to the anti-registration camp. Iron Man feels the pressure to succeed and sets a trap, during the ensuing battle much of Manhattan is levelled. Cap. realizes he is not doing his cause for freedom very much good, maybe more damage, by being hunted. He gives up and on his way to court is assassinated. The man who, whenever anything felt insurmountable in the Marvel universe, would show up and kick ass and save the day. Remember who showed up when all looked lost in Maximum Carnage. As a young trucker that was one of the coolest scenes in a comic, "Looks like you could use a hand, son." Perfect.
Iron Man is understandably feeling much guilt and all is never the same. This story reminds me of something, I don't know what would parallel this story line. Hm, trading freedom for security, overreacting, I can't quite think of what it might be. So yeah, there will be no Iron Man in my tape machine, ever. And fuck Spidey too, he completely sold out as well. The last movie sucked, Voguing in the Jazz club, all I have to say.

May the wings of liberty never lose a feather.

As your ol' buddy Jack Burton always says, this broad is crazy. This broad is our presumptive vice presidential pick for the side of the elephants. But thank the stars, she resembles that Tina Fey woman who I always see in those Amex commercials. For a commercial person, she is pretty funny. Also, I think she is saving the democracy in this here good ol' US of A. I spoke to a friend on the Friday morning after the VP debate and we started the conversation about it, of course. He is a Serious Democrat, I am a dirty fucking hippie. I readily agreed with him that she looked better than I thought she would be, albeit reading straight from her cue cards and never answering any questions that were presented to her. But I guess that is what the soft bigotry of low expectations give us. So last night for the first time in like, forever, I turned on SNL right at the start. Fey was perfect. "I've always loved the Jews and Cuban food", had me rolling on the floor and laughing my ass off. Here is an interesting article that speaks to the phenomenon that illustrates the strangeness of politicians swearing allegiance to a country other than our own. As Greenwald says, I can't imagine any other country that would get so much play in our discourse, without any debate allowed for differing viewpoints other than Likudnik positions. Because otherwise you are an anti-Semite, of course. What a great way to head off any sort of meaningful dialogue. But Florida is an important state, I guess. And you know that Obama guy is just a Muslim anyway and will bring about the total destruction of our country and I bet he puts a mosque on the South lawn.

This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there.

Well, here we go.  My first blog.  As usual 5 years late to the party.  When I was a kid, I got my first pong game when I was 13.  In 1989.  I was saying, "I'll buy that for a dollar", well into my twenties, which isn't really coming late to the party, per se, but just further indicates a total and complete lack of self awareness.  I have been using "Rad" so long it apparently has come back to vogue as I heard it in the totally hipsterific movie, "Juno" (Which was a little too precious and twee, in my humble opinion, laugh out loud) My first bong hit came late into my 18th year and as I had no clue, looked something like the picture in the top of the post.  I will probably start a tumblr in the next five years or so.  I always seem to be a late adopter.  Now in the age of the instant internet gratification, it only makes it worse for someone like me.  I hang out with my 15 year old cousin and want to talk about something really cool and new to me and she acts like I asked her to tie a bandanna around her leg.  Or maybe that is what the kids do now, so bad example.  
You see, I am getting married soon and that is OH SO IMPORTANT, and like those fucking insufferable Mommy blogs, I must write about all the minutiae that will be occurring.  So yeah, I hope not to only write about that as it would make me want to kill myself and that would not make mi' lady, Gracie, happy.  She would hunt me down in whatever afterlife I was getting slowly tortured in and kill me again.  Hopefully I can add some links, pictures, maybe a video.  I doubt it, as the picture above just about had me tearing my eyes out trying to position it to the point where I just said, "The hell with it" and so there it is.  But I will try, probably.  Oh, you probably want to see a picture of Gracie, too.  You have to wait. (until I figure it out)

P.S.  It also seems it would not be a male written blog without weekly football picks, but that is for losers and gambling degenerates.  And I am only one of those options.